I doubt, therefore I may be?

I've had absolutely no motivation to blog over the last few weeks. Its not like I'm all that busy or anything, I haven't thought of ANYthing worth writing about.

So many people around me live in the moment, all it takes to make them happy is a high grade in a test, or a compliment from a teacher. Why I have to complicate things by thinking of the purpose of life and all that jazz is something I truly cannot comprehend.

This summer, I thought. Most of us lead our lives in ways that are EXPECTED of us, we do things because our parents push us to or because its what the world does. Without this external propulsion, I'm positive a fair portion of us would be lost, or atleast I would.

So I asked the people around me, if they didn't have these social expectations, if time, money and status weren't issues, what would they do? What would they be TRULY happy doing?

Daddy said he'd buy every music CD ever recorded and listen to music all day. Amma said she'd spend all her time with her parents and their friends. I said I'd travel (subject to change.). Apoorvaa said she didn't know. My cousin Sowmya said she'd fly first class and be a doctor and an architect. Rekha Aunty and Srini Mama both said they'd write and read all they could.

But the cycle does prevail, our dreams hardly ever can escape studyworkmarriage. Competitiveness and being judgemental never really can escape our lives. I should know, enough people give me the sympathetic head-tilt when I say I'm a Commerce student (I've made my peace with that by the way, enough people have ALSO told me to let it pass).

I wish I didn't have to live with public opinion hounding me wherever I went. I wish I was fully capable of tuning public opinion out, of being able to live life Roark-style. I wish the world wasn't this cut-throat, I wish it wasn't always about the cut-off. I wish I'll be able to look back on my life someday and have no regrets. Isn't that what we all live for? Or are we too caught up in following other people's lives to notice our own?

I'm not entitled to all these dark opinions, I'm 16, I haven't even seen the world yet. I just think that there's more to life than a huge number on your marksheets or on your paycheck.

Its not very easy to sift through all these streams of thought in my head, sigh. Forgive me for being overtly sad and possibly wrong here.

Otherwise, I've been playing volleyball, among other things, for the first time in my life. Its highly gratifying to graze my knees, or see my forearms glow red after a reasonably good game I must say. I feel very sportswomanlike. My tan lines rock :D.