Monday, August 24, 2009

Savoy truffle.

The thought of walking into my kitchen and finding THIS-

OR this-

makes me delirious.

And while we're on the topic, I made dinner day before yesterday, and it was actually edible. More on that later.

Does anyone else feel hungry on listening to Savoy Truffle?! Sieg Heil to The Beatles.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Joker

I am your truth. I live with fiery spirit, with a kind of intensity you can never dream of. How I flit through your insignificant life, untouchable. Distant. Frozen to contact. I just might accept you as a rival, but that will only be when I am at my weakest. And that will be my secret.

I know what you think, I know what you’re worth. I can see into your core, for I have lost mine. It’s easy to, for you’re vulnerable. Open to scrutiny, cracked, broken. Your recurring memories can break your spirit, cloud what you are, how can you be anything but easy to perceive?

A word of uncertainty from a voice insignificant is all it takes. You’re over. At my most human, you call me cruel. How can you deny me my amusement, my respite from what I think you are: unadulterated boredom.

I search for the wall that defies me, until then, I shall toy with you. Play along, for I might just escalate into a juggernaut that builds and builds with every slur I face.

I delight in your helplessness. The deluge is inescapable, learn to laugh. Look at the world around, this ordered mess. How many times do you feel thankful because it wasn’t you this time? Happy that it was that family halfway around the globe? The girl in the TV screen? Let it show, the world won’t love you any less for it. They’re all the same.

Under your veneer of virtuosity, I know what you are. I bite you when you’re cold, singe you when you burn. I pick at your scabs, I knock down your reading lamp. Believe it or not, its actually all you.

You cannot fight me, I will always be. Try it, social experiments always serve to fascinate. Pick up the knife, tease the grey blade into exploring your marrow. Until your insides throb. Malign your blood, try, for however it blots and clots, it holds together a race; but that is inconsequential to you and me.

I am why you feel. I am chaos. I am you.


By no stretch of imagination are these my thoughts. Forgive me if this is disturbing.
Listen to Vicarious and Sad but True over and over again. Read Sylvia Plath and look up Munchausens Syndrome by Proxy and MPD. Watch the season 5 finale of House MD. You can't not question identity then.

Okay I'm off to make pizza on those little bases you get at Nilgiris.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I doubt, therefore I may be?

I've had absolutely no motivation to blog over the last few weeks. Its not like I'm all that busy or anything, I haven't thought of ANYthing worth writing about.

So many people around me live in the moment, all it takes to make them happy is a high grade in a test, or a compliment from a teacher. Why I have to complicate things by thinking of the purpose of life and all that jazz is something I truly cannot comprehend.

This summer, I thought. Most of us lead our lives in ways that are EXPECTED of us, we do things because our parents push us to or because its what the world does. Without this external propulsion, I'm positive a fair portion of us would be lost, or atleast I would.

So I asked the people around me, if they didn't have these social expectations, if time, money and status weren't issues, what would they do? What would they be TRULY happy doing?

Daddy said he'd buy every music CD ever recorded and listen to music all day. Amma said she'd spend all her time with her parents and their friends. I said I'd travel (subject to change.). Apoorvaa said she didn't know. My cousin Sowmya said she'd fly first class and be a doctor and an architect. Rekha Aunty and Srini Mama both said they'd write and read all they could.

But the cycle does prevail, our dreams hardly ever can escape studyworkmarriage. Competitiveness and being judgemental never really can escape our lives. I should know, enough people give me the sympathetic head-tilt when I say I'm a Commerce student (I've made my peace with that by the way, enough people have ALSO told me to let it pass).

I wish I didn't have to live with public opinion hounding me wherever I went. I wish I was fully capable of tuning public opinion out, of being able to live life Roark-style. I wish the world wasn't this cut-throat, I wish it wasn't always about the cut-off. I wish I'll be able to look back on my life someday and have no regrets. Isn't that what we all live for? Or are we too caught up in following other people's lives to notice our own?

I'm not entitled to all these dark opinions, I'm 16, I haven't even seen the world yet. I just think that there's more to life than a huge number on your marksheets or on your paycheck.

Its not very easy to sift through all these streams of thought in my head, sigh. Forgive me for being overtly sad and possibly wrong here.

Otherwise, I've been playing volleyball, among other things, for the first time in my life. Its highly gratifying to graze my knees, or see my forearms glow red after a reasonably good game I must say. I feel very sportswomanlike. My tan lines rock :D.