Why I survive.

Where: X B
When: 29th January '09
What: Insanity personified.
How: Evening Zero hour. Need I say more?

Nivi and CK diligently work out analytical geometry and burst out in giggles for no apparent reason. Lekha chews the back of her pen (MINE!) with great concentration. Harith turns around over and over again to talk to MM and Arjun, who in turn are talking about Rish and Am. Harith says 'This and all won't last man, see see.' and Arjun replies 'Manidhan unarndhu kolla idhu manidhar kadhal alla.' I roll my eyes at him and at MM when he says 'Pinna, miruga kadhal aa?'. Prashant sits on his desk and surveys the class, looking for godknowswhat. Sushant comes up to him and raps him on the back of the head, starting a mini WWE raw. Nidhi, Vandana, Ruchika and Vishnupriya borrow my graffiti-ed steel scale so they can play truth or dare. Sanjana asks me to ask Sajin his total. I ask him and turn back front. He promptly starts to sing Yethi Yethi. Vishnumali and Nallasatish look into each other's eyes and seem to be having a serious discussion. Without warning, Nallasatish tries strangling Vishnumali, who says 'daaai adhu YENDHU da!' Abhay and Aravind commentadichufy as usual, Abhay's bullhorn voice ensuring everyone knows what he's talking about. 'Dai andha k*^&$%#$ p&^*#%&^$ m%^^&$ k%^$&@$% poi m%^*^%#^ p$%$&%^& n%^&* sollu.' Everyone cringes. Abhay looks pleased. A giggling Nidhi goes up to Ujjval and asks him to comb his hair, as part of her 'dare'. He in turn defiantly messes it up further, though I wonder how his hand doesn't get stuck in that mass of goo in the first place. Additionally, he untucks his shirt and hi-fives Suraj. Nilesh blandly looks around, massaging Satish's earlobe as usual. Satish swats him off a couple of times, but then gives it up as a bad job. P Mohan unblinkingly stares at VP, who doesn't seem to mind. Nivedha and the Preethis turn around, offer me bread with jam, call me 'stupit girl' and turn back front. The twins, whom Abhay unfortunately calls Angavai and Sangavai, look scandalised at the sight of Raghul and Robert chewing gum. KP and Abhi vie for Harith's attention by loudly laughing and cracking erm, jokes, but she being oblivious to things like these, examines my nails. Prashant is now calling Sushant names I doubt even exist, and Sushant sits unruffled with Raghavendra and gang, who as usual are looking at pictures of Katrina Kaif on their cell phones. Gaurav and Tahir sit with their feet propped up on the desk, playing something that looks from far like Chikuliba. Sultania takes out his Cuticura talcum powder and sprinkles on everyone's head. He decides cuticura, which in large doses smells quite vile, does not resemble dandruff. Zavid then proceeds to blow little plastic bits around the class, which the girls squeal at and try to swat down. S Divya and Manisha come up to the front of class and tell us a few riddles they saw on 9XM the previous day. Everyone falls silent for a second, like it so often happens. Sujivan says 'Why silence?' and they start off again.

Amidst all this, I smile.

For this is SBOA.
This is home.

I WOULD put up a picture of my class. Promise not to laugh.

Culture indeed.

The Sri Ram Sene's attack on pub-goers (pub-going women*) has left me shocked, frustrated and very very taken aback. More than the excuse these 'brotherly culture-cops' hid behind, or the despicable way their culture-cleansing exercise was carried, its the blatant double standard that bothers me the most.

They say women drinking, going to pubs and having a good time is against Hindu culture. I didn't know Hinduism endorsed MEN doing the same things. And honestly, this is a country where female deities are revered as the essence of life, which they are. This is the same country where a bunch of hoodlums hiding behind religion physically assaulted a bunch of women, caught themselves on tape and publicised what they did to the max.

The worst part about such mindless chaos as an actual system of governance is that it works so well. Sadly enough, no woman IS going to go out clubbing in Mangalore for a while, not while these glorious upholders of our tradition are still around.

But think about it, its not just outfits like the Sri Ram Sene, bias towards males has been everywhere, since time immemorial. Men go out, party, play the field, drink, have a good time, oh yes they're just 'boys having fun'. And they ultimately go on to marry a demure Indian woman. Women on the other hand, are supposed to stay home and learn to make chapathis, for if they, god forbid, go out and PARTY like their male counterparts (-gasp-), the stench of gossip will always hang around them and their marriage prospects will be ruined for good. Even in the western world, the girl is always the 'slut. The boy on the other hand, is a 'player'.

When we're eve-teased? Oh, we were dressed provocatively. Groped on a bus? We were giving them come-ons! Assaulted? We were so asking for it, they're only human, cha. Physically abused? Its our fault, we were born weaker and so, incapable of defending ourselves. Victims of dowry deaths? Its us, its us, why did we have to be born into families that aren't rich enough? Abused at the workplace? Oh, we were too educated for our own good. We're WOMEN, how could we let that happen?! Domestic violence? Its our fault, we should know to keep our husbands happy.

Like it or not, the accusing finger always points at a woman. I'm reminded of this conversation I had with Tariq a while ago, on strength and how women use their feminine wiles to manipulate the opposite gender (I said some women like to think its their way of being nice, and making sure other people are nice to them. He just found it weird, but I digress). He said men were stronger duh (in which case they shouldn't PICK ON WOMEN! and be bigger people.), but I think strength isn't measured by how much a person can inflict, but how much they can endure. And that way, women are definitely the stronger sex. But women being ostensibly weaker physically, men taking advantage of them is plain cowardly. Pick on someone your physical equal if you do have to 'prove your worth as a male', beating up a woman doesn't really elevate you in ANYbody's eyes.

I'm still shocked and frustrated, but I'm no longer taken aback. So it is, so its always been. And so it always MIGHT be unless we all take a stand somewhere. Think about it, is this the kind of world you'd want to bring a child into? Knowing that s/he'll either be the messee OR the messer? The kind of world where animosity is so intense, a woman actually has to think twice before accepting a job or wish she was a different gender before leaving the house? A couple of centuries of male subjugation would actually do the world a great favour right now, because talk of balance and equality doesn't seem to be doing it much. All the same, this isn't a boys vs. girls debate. This is how things are as I see it, and it'd do everyone good to just be the best people they can be. Its the least we can do!

My 15th part 2.

Ok, a friend of mine, let's call her Pam, read my blog and said 'it wasn't me' and that I was much more optimistic and happier in real life. So just know that however sad and upsetting my posts might be, I'm not half as neurotic as I should be about the boards and life et al.

Alright, so after that first surprise I was pretty much at peace with the world and waited for Tuesday all patiently. It wasn't much to look forward to seeing how my girlbunch, with the exception of Pam, weren't in town. Amritha was in Hyderabad, Divya was in Palani, Niran and Kavitha just couldn't go anywhere, Sanjana in Ooty, Swathi in Tirupur. So I woke up on my birthday and waited for Pam to come home, after which we took many happy pictures and went for a walk.

Somewhere around this time, I get a call from a very vague Niran asking me to go to Odyssey cos someone was waiting for me. She calls me 4 times in the next half hour, asking me to go there RIGHT NOW, and Pam was of no help at all in asking her what the hell was wrong. Soo we set off, passing Divya's house on the way, and go to Odyssey and found NO one there. We waited around, peeking behind the stalls, and still nothing. For want of better things to do, we walked to boomerang and downed a couple of milkshakes and walked back home, Pam unwilling to walk some more with me. I suggested we get pinky manicures at Green Trends, but she shouted me down.

We walk back, giggling like mad, and run into Saba (:|) on the way home. I open the front door and Amma holds out the phone so I could get another birthday wish. Pam flops down on the couch and I pull her towards my room, which is uncharacteristically shut. I OPEN the door and there are streamers hanging from the top of window. Those shiny chains they use as party decorations. A huge link-banner saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY ATULAA. And balloons and party hats everywhere.

I look at Pam, not knowing what to think, and there they were. Amritha Swathi Divya Sanjana and my sister, stooorming in from the balcony, holding out a camera, taking a picture of me looking like a star goldfish. What can I say, I was.. surprised. :)

The usual cake-cutting and face-creaming followed, and needless to say I was worst hit. We sat around taking more pictures and supersenti video, after which we walked to That's Y Food for mud souffles. Walking is just so much fun, especially if friends, pictures, laughter and random flowers lying around go with it. Post mud souffle, more pictures and walking. Walked to Odyssey, where I was asked to sit in Bon Bon like a good girl while the rest chose me a present.

They got me You Are Here, Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan, with a looooot of messages inside of it. We walked back home with a few packets of chips, called on a few classmates, went home, and danced with each other without a care in the world. Thus concluded an awesome awesome birthday. A few of my fav pictures follow.



Pam's missing. :(



Divya Sanjana Amritha Swathi Me Harith.



Something went wrong with 4.1 mp camera that day, the edges got all blurry, but I still like how it all turned out.



The guys at tyf wouldn't let us in cos it was nearly 3 o' clock, but they did when I said we were here for dessert only. They still had to pull down the shutters though, which fortunately made for optimum photogenic effect.

I love it that these girls faced my sulking for so long to give me this, cos I can usually be VERY difficult when I don't get what I want, and I wasn't very happy when I heard that they were all ahem, out of station. So yeah, I gave them a tough time, but they still managed to make this such, such fun. I love you, girlbunch. :)

ANYhoo, the moral of the story is, I take my birthday very very seriously and I expect other people to as well.
Unreasonable you say? Ah well, love me love my quirks :)

Mood of the hour- Beginnings of a headache. :( Sports day was yesterday and it was so utterly pointless.

I am SO bored..

.. I will probably write something Bell jar-esque and shock everyone. Chumma.

Though anything having to do with wrists and bathtubs and sharp things get me so fucking scared, I have to sing 'I just can't wait to be king' to compose myself again.

Speaking of songs, I was listening to this song by Ingrid Michaelson called 'The Way I Am'. Its suuuuuper sweet and makes me feel the way I used to feel when I pictured phantom conversations with Dev Patel in my head. Its funny how jaded and cynical I've become compared to a few months ago. Its not like I've been through a personal tragedy of any sort since then, but I no longer say 'Aw how cute!' to the little things, and I can't bring myself to be all cutesy and supportive when the girls talk about the significant others. I don't know. Goodbye, Miss Mayonnaise. But I did enjoy the song, so I guess I'm not as cold as I think I am.

Also, there's this story I saw someplace about how Ernest Hemingway was asked to write a story in 6 words and he said 'For sale: baby shoes, never worn'.
Hehehe, that's something I'd so laugh at if it was told in front of me. My six word memoir would probably read '15, and already worried about healthcare.' Best I can do. The reason why I'm not a writer already. Tell me yours!

ALSO, I regret to tell whoever's reading and not an orkut friend of mine that I am now going to lock my scrapbook on account of how all the scraps I'm getting are 'woww cuutie..... u wnt 2 make frndship???'. I usually find the disclaimers saying 'STAY AWAY DON'T ADD ME' unnecessary, cos really, it goes without saying. The only reason most people I know sign into orkut at all is to say something nice back to the people we know who scrap us, or maaaaybe accept a testimonial that will make you want to cuddle the writer to bits. I also keep my scrapbook unlocked in belief that someday, somehow an old acquaintance or two will find me and
renew our happy acquaintance. Tough luck pa, guess you'll all have to email me after all.

ANYhow, mood of the hour- grouchy and SO in the mood for some tv, which is stupidly acting out now. My life is so devoid of profundity. And the most emotion I could sum up this evening was to tell amma how annoying I find Paris Hilton. Jump off a cliff you, like really.

Silent E.

"Who can turn a can into a cane?
Who can turn a pan into a pane?
It's not too hard to see
It's silent e

Who can turn a cub into a cube?
Who can turn a tub into a tube?
It's elementary
For silent e

He took a pin and turned it into pine
He took a twin and turned him into twine

Who can turn a cap into a cape?
Who can turn a tap into a tape?
A little glob becomes a globe instantly
If you just add silent e

He turned a dam - alikazam! - into a dame
But my friend Sam stayed just the same

Who can turn a man into a mane?
Who can turn a van into a vane?
A little hug becomes huge instantly
Don't add w, don't add x, and don't add y or z,
Just add silent e "

This is something I came across by Tom Lehrer, that genius. Letters can be so bloody powerful sometimes, and words are what make you you. I'm having this huuge insignificant moment now, I can't imagine how small I'd be if there were no words. Thoughts crashing around in your head, with no way out. Brr.

You.

I think there might just be a god.

I stood on my balcony last week and looked at the moon. It's enchanting, whole, perfect, emanating the kind of radiance even non-poets could wax eloquent about. There are jagged traces of yellow all around it, little jagged traces, just enough to flirt with the dark of the sky, just enough for it to almost say 'peekaboo' and disappear. For children to look at it in awe, in wonderment, in anticipation of newness. For lovers to stare at together, watching their common dreams unfold in the promise of the vast sky. For people to look at it for hope, for peace of mind, for things they look for in war and destruction, and never find. For me to be reminded of you.

To make me smile again. To see you in my mind's eye, perfect as always, running your hands through your hair. To think of your eyes, in all their gold-flecked russet glory. To picture you laughing your perfect laugh, even though I can't hear you. The silence is deafening you see.

I claim to be a cynic, a pessimist, who sees nothing wondrous in the world around. Someone who thinks the world lives and dies behind a facade of goodness, lifting at times to give us world wars and atom bombs. Someone who thinks there's nothing to live for, but the ultimate, all-encompassing armageddon.

I'm also the same person who looks at the moon and a lot of other things, thinks of you, goes dizzy with an onslaught of memories, and grins like a maniac.

I love you. Doesn't it show?
________________________


PS: PURE FICTION.

MY 15TH. :D

My 15th birthday is something I will keep coming back to when I picture the perfect birthday.

Alright, I'm one of those people who are nearly impossible to surprise. That said, my friends threw me not one, but two surprise parties this year. And I was surprised not once, but both times. Okay FINE, so that blows what I said just now. Anyway.

Siddarth calls me like a week before my birthday and we plan a random meeting at subway the coming 28th. (Ok, my birthday's on the 30th of September, but I really had to blog about it) Soo, I say fine, and Sunday comes, and my mom and I spend the afternoon at fabindia kurti-shopping. My mom then drops me off outside Subway and I call Siddarth to ask him where he is. The following conversation ensues.

me: Hey man, where are you?
Sid: Uh, atu, I'm leaving. Where are you?
me: I'm there already, I'm standing outside.
Sid: Uh, okay, wait till I get there. There are monsters in there.
me: Eh?
Sid: No, just wait for me and Niran. It isn't a very good place.
me: O k a y. I'll wait for you guys at Nilgiri's then.
Sid: Great. Just don't go in ok? bye!

So I walk around Nilgiris, looking at the magazines and NOT the make-up like Vishal later claimed (wtf.), when Amritha calls me and tells me about how she's bored at home with nothing to do. I couldn't drop the monster thing though, and the possibility of a surprise.. hit me. Just like that. Aaand my knees went all weak, my jaw dropped and I'm pretty sure I choked up a bit too. I stood right there, ohmygodding till Siddarth and Niran arrived, Niran looking all spry wearing those hoops she keeps only for special occasions (Second clue, there!). We walk into Subway, rather undramatically, because I was so looking out for feet under the tables or.. something like that. The guy behind the counter was looking at me and towards the bathroom door all curiously, and THEN they all troop out, Vidyuth Kb Vishal John Amritha. I really don't remember how I reacted, what with Niran and Amritha commanding me to startcryingNOW!(I didn't, the initial throat-choking had gone away, all I think I did was grin like mad), but it was surprisingly awesome, how they'd kept this from me for so long and actually gone ahead with it despite me acting so nosy(I left those parts out, but I was nosy).

We took no pictures that day, or I'd so put one in here, except for this one to see how much taller Vishal was than me, but I think I deleted it right then. :|

Thanks you guys, I can sure tell you that made my year. :)

Part 2 will soon follow, my fingers hurt now.

the year that was.

It's been nearly a year since I even gave my blog the time of day, and something tells me blogging will seeeeriously help my nerves.

Okay, 10th std.

Sometime in May last year, I was inundated with people everywhere telling me how this year's going to decide where my life is headed and how I'd better jump into Muthannakulam if my boards become thandavaalam (Yeah, David said that. Something like it.).

Then the books came and we all drew up study timetables and compared them and tried fitting in two more hours of maths in there (pffft.). And THEN school started. W were practically alienated from the rest of the school (who, by the way, could never ask us anything but 'hi ka, how is tenth, hectic no?' when we DID run into them.), what with our crazy timings and such.

In a matter of three months, we'd finished half of our portions, gone on a day long trip to Top Slip (which was mad fun, despite the fact that we spent exactly two and a half hours at our destination and spent 8 hours in commute. That deserves a blog post of its own, cha.), and written around 4 slip tests, enough to tire anyone (ok, me) out.

Needless to say, the study plan lay forgotten, and I was perfectly content with the 90sth marks I brought home every other week. I had, what 7 months to go for the boards after all. And ha, who's gonna remember my slip test marks when I'm a diplomat with the UN? The quarterlies came by, and I conveniently left all the studying to 4amthemorningoftheexam, and spoilt Vidyuth's birthday for myself (the marks came out then). I got around 87% and around 7 hours of advice/lecturing/pep talks/what call you from the parentals.

The halfyearlies were slightly better, if that's what you call a 92%. At the moment, I'm feeling queasy everytime someone mentions May, cos really, I don't mind taking the boards tomorrow, its the results I hate thinking about. This might seem unnecessary to someone who's already taken the boards, but I wish I wasn't at this point of my life right now. :(

Also, I'm writing this with a revision exam the next day, and I do know that this isn't a very good comeback post nor does it tell you anything about the erm,' year that was' that you might've wanted to know. But hey, it sure feels good to tell people to STOP ASKING ME IF I'M GONNA GET A STATE RANK ALREADY on a public forum.

B-)
__________

I want to watch Delhi 6. I think Sonam looks supercute with those strands of hair framing her face like they do, aw.

Who wants to come with me?